The Grove Project

How NOT to write (what are they learning!?!)

A buddy of mine just sent this “Applicant’s Personal Statement” from the university where he works. The student has not been accepted, I don’t think, for what should seem to be obvious reasons. But grab some tissues, take a deep breath, and hang on for dear life regarding the future education of our children. More commentary after this display of writing…

The University’s prompt is:

Please provide a personal statement descriptive of one of the following topics:
(1) your most significant achievement;
(2) your most meaningful experience;
(3) your career goals;
(4) your greatest concern(s).

Please write your essay(250-500 words) in the space provided below.

The Student’s essay reads:

“There are many significant achievements that happen throughout a person’s life and my ego is sounding huge right now but i am one of those persons as well. Ever since i was a little kid I always was setting out for achievements. I knew sports very well and I knew what to do to become better and more consistent with whatever it was you did. I am also and extreme competitor and get angry very easily when im doing certain things. I can get angry when i see people not hustling and working hard at what there doing and im over here working my tail for them because there a part of my team or organization. With achivements you cant always count on yourself for everything. You are sometimes going to need help from others and you need to be able to reach out. With my most significant achievement it deals with the sport i love Baseball. Baseball ever since i was a little kid in my family has always been a pretty big deal. From my grandparents always talking about it, and my cousins, we have just always enjoyed watching it and playing as well. I always was the one though that really continued with baseball and took it to a whole other level. I liked the way my family supported me with that and didnt just blow me off. I really enjoyed the fact that my cousins and grandparents came to my games often even though they could have been doing other things because i am only their nephew. The experience that really changed my life with baseball and just my work ethic in general is when i played for a team called the Chester County Crawdads. It was a team consisting of many players from around the county and pretty good players as well. We traveled all over the place and it was always fun staying in all the hotels and clowning around. But one time we got invited to go to Nationals. It consisted of teams from all over the country competing for obviously the same goal. This took place in Kinston, North Carolina unfortunately it wasnt on the West Coast so we could have taken a plane ride but non the less it was exciting. And when we arrived so many teams from other states and all were there and it was breathtaking. The experience just really taught me about how to keep striving and going and it will turn out well in the end. There’s always a prize at the end of the tunnel and keep your eye on the light no matter how far or hard that is. Even though we didnt do so great in the tournament just the fact that we were there was enough. So many teams wished they were there and from the work we put into our game and everything we got to live that moment for a period of time.”

OK???

Point ONE:

You’d be surprised how many Universities will actually admit a student who writes like this. I say this because several of the mistakes in the above “essay” appear on my college students’ writing. Not so many in one place, nor in such a short piece, but some of these mistakes nonetheless. *That these poor habits aren’t corrected by a student’s senior year in high school is simply inexcusable.

Point TWO:

The biggest problem with this is not the overall writing… If you go back and check the prompt, he comes, at least minimally, close to giving them what they want as far as content. It’s the grammar, punctuation, and spelling that kill this. We start learning these functional aspects of writing, these “low order concerns” (as I like to refer to them), early in our education. *Either the kids are stupid, or we don’t care if they understand how to communicate.

Point THREE:

Perhaps most disturbing of all… who proofed this? And who, after proofing it, thought it was a good piece of writing. If, of course, no one proofed it, then this student is under the impression that college doesn’t require time and effort. *Where did he get that impression…?

Point FOUR: *If the kid becomes a pro baseball player someday, we’ll pay him countless millions.

I am sad.